No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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