guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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