my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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