It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I did not marry a roomba.
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