pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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