I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
