your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
