Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
