I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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