I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
do herpes really smell.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
