Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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