Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
