got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
