take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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