yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
