i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
