DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
