i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize