I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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