My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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