my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
