How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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