Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
