i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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