i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
