I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize