That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
