theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
