so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
