sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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