I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
