I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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