someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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