He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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