Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
