There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My penis needs a shock collar
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
