I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
