went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
