Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
