ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
