Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
