You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize