I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
