So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
