i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
