I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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