the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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