I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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