my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
