You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
