Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
