I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
