Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
