I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
