I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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