Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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