i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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