I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
