I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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