I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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