____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he thought i was a dude.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
