At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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